Provision #704: Words Matter
by Bob Tschannen-Moran
Laser Provision
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but the sword always incites the pen.
Words, words, words. In the wake of the Arizona rampage: words. In the wake of
the 9-11 attacks: words. In the wake of every act of violence, in every culture,
throughout all of human history: words. Ironically, the more "unspeakable" the
violence the more words it generates. What can we learn about leadership from
the words that are now being written and spoken about civility and public
discourse? What are our responsibilities? What difference can we make? How can
strong feelings be expressed without making situations worse? If those questions
speak to you, then read on. The words in this Provision might shed some light on
the subject.
LifeTrek Provision
It is ironic that I wrote my last Provision,
Actions Matter,
on the same day as the tragic shootings and violence in Tucson, Arizona. While I
was writing about the importance to leadership of walking the talk and modeling
life-giving practices in both our daily routines as well as our interactions
with others, someone else was taking action so as to raise the same issue in
much more painful and cacophonous ways.
In the wake of what happened in Arizona—where a 22-year-old man shot 19 people,
including two government officials, killing 6 and wounding 13 before being
subdued by bystanders—there has been a steady stream of words regarding how to
make sense of and learn from the tragedy. Violent actions always provoke such
words, and this incident has proved to be no different.
Two extremes quickly rose to the foreground in the sea of words. On the one
hand, the killer was quickly labeled as "mentally ill," "deranged," or "evil."
Such labeling absolves everyone else of responsibility. The killer was crazy—end
of story. On the other hand, the killer was quickly labeled as "provoked,"
"misguided," or "inflamed." Such labeling absolves the killer of responsibility.
Our rhetoric was bloodthirsty—end of story.
Neither version does justice to the truth yet both versions offer constructive
considerations for those of us involved in leadership positions. Let's consider
both, in turn.
How easy it is to write off someone as being "sick, evil, crazy, or stupid." By
so doing, we are completely absolved of responsibility for whatever happens.
This strategy has been used across the millennia to explain deviant behaviors or
to rationalize standard behaviors that inflict pain and suffering on others.
- It was used to explain serial killers: they were pigeonholed as
psychopaths.
- It was used to explain slavery: slaves were portrayed as less than human.
- It was used to explain religious persecution: infidels were cast as being under
the spell of the devil.
- It was used to explain sexism: women were viewed as being too stupid to vote or
lead men.
- It was used to explain discrimination: homosexuals were diagnosed as having a
treatable condition.
- It was used to explain the civil rights movement: Dr. King, whose
birthday America now celebrates as a national holiday, was labeled
derisively as a
communist.
We could certainly keep that list going ad infinitum. Whenever we want
to make ourselves comfortable with the uncomfortable, it's both convenient and
common to fall back on words that dehumanize and demonize people. When we label
people as being "sick, evil, crazy, or stupid," we're done with soul searching.
We have discharged our responsibility, putting it all on them.
Fortunately, for the sake of human history, that is never the whole story and
often not even a true story. People are people, with universal feelings and
needs. The more we try to understand those feelings and needs with
respect and appreciation, the more we contribute to life-giving schools,
workplaces, communities, and societies.
But it's hard to find those words in the face of opposition. It's easier to
dismiss people than to deal with them respectfully. Even when someone is just
not doing what we want them to do, it's easier for leaders to deride or dismiss
them than to deal with them as having merit and worth. Once people cause problems,
let alone once they violate norms or standards, the temptation to treat them
dismissively is even greater.
Noticing how such treatment leads to increasing hostility and difficulty is what
led Marshall Rosenberg to develop the process known as
Nonviolent Communication, or "NVC" for short.
NVC is not about being nice. It's not about ignoring or accepting life-denying
behavior. It is rather about finding constructive ways to understand and
communicate about what is going on, especially when behaviors are not to our
liking or that we find unacceptable.
What happened in Arizona is unacceptable. It's tempting to write off the killer
as "sick, evil, crazy, or stupid." But even killers have feelings and needs.
Chances are, they were dark and unmet for a very long time. Who knows if NVC
could have released the killer from his pain in ways that might have avoided his
violent outburst. That may be too much to ask, but it's not too much to
contemplate.
As leaders, most of us deal with much more manageable situations. The intensity
of the feelings and the twisting of the needs in most organizations are much
less toxic. It behooves us, then, even more to give people the benefit of the
doubt and to search for common ground. Instead of deriding or dismissing the
people we work with, what if we sought to understand their experience and to
respect their needs?
Such life-affirming orientations hold out the promise of working through
difficulties and bringing out the best in people. Which are, of course, two
primary tasks of leadership.
That does not mean, however, that every situation can be salvaged were leaders to
only find the right words. That represents the other lesson from all the words
that have have been spawned by the violence in Tucson. The calls for civility in public discourse are
welcome and should be heeded by one and all. Such calls go too far, however,
when they draw a direct line of cause-and-effect.
I, for one, think it is very problematic when we demonize our enemies and use
violent images or metaphors to talk about our agenda. Words matter, and when we
talk that way, there will be consequences. Did such talk cause that young man in
Tucson to go berserk? No one will ever know, but probably not.
Leaders must be careful, then, to not only choose our words deliberately but
also to not take on too much responsibility for other people's behavior. We walk
a fine line. We cause problems when we start to view or label people as any
variation on the theme of "sick, evil, crazy, or stupid". We also cause
problems, however, when we think that our words and actions are the only factors
that matter.
It really is OK to say the wrong thing once in a while. People are human and
always find it difficult to express ourselves fully and constructively when our
emotions are stirred up. That's as true for leaders as it is for anyone else.
The key is to become a reflective leader, such that we are aware of our
contribution to problems and open to apologizing for our mistakes. Once that
attitude and those words are in the mix, new possibilities are soon to follow.
Unfortunately, it has become almost impossible for leaders to apologize in the
public arena. Most view apologies as a sign of weakness that would somehow
undermine the effectiveness of their bully pulpits. The few who have offered
apologies for their vitriolic contributions to the culture wars in America have
been viewed with suspicion, as though they were trying to shame their opponents
into doing the same.
Such attacks and posturing do not bring out the best in people. As leaders, we
would do well to communicate respectfully and constructively at all
times—treating people as people even when we don't like what they are doing—and
to apologize genuinely and clearly when our words fall short of the mark. We
would do well to communicate with NVC.
The problem we have with words is well captured by
the character Rodolphe Bolanger in Madame Bovary:
"None of us can ever express the exact measure of our needs, or our ideas, or
our sorrows, and human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we beat out
tunes for bears to dance to, when we long to move the stars to pity."
The limitations of our words notwithstanding, it is the task of leadership to
choose our words well. Our words can get us in trouble, but they can also get us
out of trouble. Our words can hurt and our words can heal. The more fully we
learn to speak words of peace, especially in times of difficulty and stress, the
greater our leadership will be.
Coaching Inquiries: How much attention do you pay to your words? Do your words
communicate understanding and respect for the feelings and needs of others? Do
they authentically communicate your own feelings and needs in ways that build
people up or tear people down? How could you become a more constructive
communicator? What is one step you could take in that direction today?
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Email Bob.
Your last Provision,
Actions Matter, and a recent FB post by Doug Autenrieth,
reminds me of a wonderful saying that my dear friend, Minx Boren, has introduced
me to. "You're actions are speaking so loud that I can't hear what you're
saying." Minx credits Ralph Waldo Emerson with that expression. Top
May you be filled with goodness, peace, and joy.
Bob Tschannen-Moran
President, LifeTrek Coaching International,
www.LifeTrekCoaching.com
CEO & Co-Founder, Center for School Transformation,
www.SchoolTransformation.com
Immediate Past President, International Association of Coaching,
www.CertifiedCoach.org
Author, Evocative Coaching: Transforming Schools One Conversation at a Time,
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