Provision #625: Stress Proof Your
Relationships
by Bob Tschannen-Moran
LifeTrek Laser Provision
There's no end to the relationships in our lives; from the cradle to the
grave we are bound together with others. Those relationships can either make
life more wonderful or more miserable. At times they do a little of both. How do
your relationships look right now? This Provision describes and makes some
recommendations regarding our professional and work relationships. Next week, we
will approach our personal and romantic relationships. The same principles apply
to both, so what we learn this week serves as a foundation for next week.
Read on to start making your life more wonderful today.
LifeTrek Provision
What things do you tend to get stressed out about? If you're anything like most
people, we covered two of the top three in the past two weeks: health and money.
When those things are not going well, stress tends to mount up quickly. That's
why it behooves us to get those two things under control, and to keep them under
control. When we fail to do that, stress is sure to follow.
If you're rolling your eyes right now, wondering how in the world you can do
that when you suffer from a chronic health condition or when your finances went
kaput with the recession, then I would encourage you to read those
Provisions again. Everything is relative to the perspective we take. When
optimal physical and/or financial well being is not within our reach, due to
circumstances beyond our control, it is still possible to reduce our stress by
controlling the things we can control.
How many times have you heard or read about someone who has done just that? Life
throws them a curve ball and they make lemonade out of lemons. They decide to
control the things they can control, and that makes all the difference. Instead
of being helpless they become helpful, both to themselves and to others. They
set an example not necessarily because what they do is heroic or remarkable
(those stories make the nightly news) but because what they do is worthy and
important to them. By refusing to play to the victim they overcome the
vicissitudes of life. My last two
Provisions can help you do that, regardless of where you are starting from.
Of course ideally we start down the path of physical and financial well being
long before we end up disabled or broke. That's the way those Provisions work
best: as preventive medicine. They can assist you to get back on track, if
that's where you're at, but they work even better when we stress-proof our
routines before things break down. So don't wait for that to happen. If you
still have your health, and you still have your money, don't suffer from the
illusion of invincibility. That's an adolescent framework that stress-proofing
replaces. Instead, benefit from the intention of productivity. That's a
generative framework that stress-proofing encourages.
This week and next we turn to the third area about which people experience the
most amount of stress: relationships. Spouses, partners, children, parents,
sisters, brothers, relatives, friends, colleagues, associates, co-workers,
bosses, subordinates, teachers, students, customers, vendors, confidants,
counselors, and coaches -- there's no end to the relationships in our lives and
they all have the ability to make life both wonderful and miserable. When
relationships work, it's a wonderful thing. When they don't work, stress can
shoot through the roof. This Provision will assist you to avoid that at work.
Consider the following list of the Top 10 Causes of Workplace Stress according
to the Global Business and Economic Roundtable on Addiction and Mental Health.
In late-night television form, we present them in reverse order:
10. Overload / Underload
9. Random interruptions
8. Pervasive uncertainty
7. Mistrust, unfairness & office politics
6. Unclear policies & no sense of direction
5. Career & job ambiguity
4. No feedback – good or bad
3. No appreciation
2. Lack of communications
1. Lack of control
Now ask yourself: how many of those causes of workplace stress have to do
with other people. Where does that load come from? Sometimes from within, but
also from others (and almost always with others). What interrupts us? What makes
things uncertain? Mistrust, office politics, no feedback, no appreciation, lack
of communications -- those explicitly involve other people. And where does our
lack of direction, job ambiguity, or lack of control come from? Relationships!
At their core, all of the Top 10 Causes of Workplace Stress have to do with
other people.
Learning how to stress-proof those relationships can be seen, then, as ranking
near the top of all our stress-proofing requirements. To that end, I would
encourage you to pay attention to your attributions, standards, and boundaries.
Attributions. Attributions have to do with cause and effect. What causes
you to feel the way you feel, to work the way you work, to trust the way you
trust, to take things the way you take things, to hear what you hear, to
understand what you understand, to say what you say, and to relate the way you
relate? Flip Wilson, an American comedian and actor once designated by Time
magazine as "TV's first black superstar", was famous for answering that question
this way: "the devil made me do it". It was a great way to attribute causation
to an outside force.
Most of us are not so flip (pardon the pun) but we do find ways to attribute
causation to people and things beyond ourselves. My boss is a jerk! My sister is
nuts! My computer has a virus! My teacher is demanding! My employee is lazy! My
lawyer screwed up! My coach steered me wrong! There's no end to the ways we like
to blame others and other things for our negative feelings and experiences.
Yet the blame game, to quote Marshall Rosenberg, is always a "tragic expression
of unmet needs". It's tragic because it makes it less rather than more likely
that our needs will actually be met. It's also tragic because it distracts us
from what our needs really are. We end up focused on the strategies that are or
are not working for us, rather than on the universal,
life-giving needs that those strategies are seeking to meet. By focusing on
needs we can stop playing the blame game and start playing the no-fault game. We
open up new zones of possibility for making life more wonderful.
Standards & Boundaries. What's the difference between a standard and a
boundary? I often work on this with my clients. Simply put: standards are things
we hold ourselves to while boundaries are things we hold others to. Example: If
we do not use illegal substances on principle, then that's a standard. If we do
not allow others to use illegal substances in our homes, then that's a boundary.
Unfortunately, most people are unclear about their standards and boundaries
until it's too late. They do something they later regret. Oops! A standard has
been violated. They put up with something until they explode. Oops! A boundary
has been violated. In the absence of clear standards and boundaries, our lives
and relationships become very stressful indeed.
So the first step when it comes to stress-proofing our relationships is to get
clear, very clear, about the things that make life more wonderful for us. The
second step is to avoid blaming other people and things when life is less than
wonderful for us (see Attributions above). The third step is to
communicate our standards and boundaries to other people before they ever get
violated in the first place. That lowers our stress levels immensely.
The four-step process that I learn in Coach U for communicating boundaries is:
inform, request, insist, leave. It's kind of the three-strikes-your-out
principle. Before your boundaries ever get violated in the first place, you
inform people as to what they are and it's no big deal. It's more of a helpful
and interesting conversation "Why is that important to you? Wow! That's
important to me too (or not). Let's work together to make sure we all get our
needs met."
It gets trickier after violations occur, but the sooner we voice our request
that they stop the easier and the more productive the conversation will be. By
the time we get to insisting, things have usually deteriorated significantly and
it usually works better to leave that situation if not the relationship, so that
we reduce the likelihood of continued conflict. When leaving the relationship is
not an option we want to choose, then learning to communicate about the
violation without playing the blame game lowers the stress level and makes a
positive outcome more likely.
How do we do that? Nonviolent Communication offers a helpful way of
communicating with honesty and empathy. The more we approach others as allies,
rather than as enemies, in the life-long project of getting our needs met, the
easier it will be to make life more wonderful at work.
Coaching Inquiries: How would you describe the stress level in your
relationships? Who do you blame for that? Yourself? Others? Both? What would it
take to stop playing the blame game and to start playing the no-fault game in
the service of human needs? Where could you turn for help with that? When would
you like to get started? To reply to this Provision, use our
Feedback Form. To
talk with us about coaching or consulting services for yourself or your organization,
Email Us
or use our
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to arrange a complimentary conversation. To learn more about LifeTrek Coaching programs,
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LifeTrek Readers' Forum (selected feedback
from the past week)
Editor's Note: The LifeTrek Readers' Forum contains selections from the comments
and materials sent in each week by the readers of LifeTrek Provisions. They do
not necessarily reflect the perspective of LifeTrek Coaching International. To
submit your comment, use our Feedback Form or
Email Bob..
Your series on stress has been incredibly helpful to me and my
husband. We read them every week and have been taking many of your
suggestions to heart. Thanks!
It sounds like you have found every possible way to beat stress, so
I assume you are having a very relaxing summer! Top
May you be filled with goodness, peace, and joy.
Bob Tschannen-Moran, President
LifeTrek Coaching International
121 Will Scarlet Lane
Williamsburg, VA 23185-5043
Email: Coach@LifeTrekCoaching.com
Phone: (757) 345-3452
Fax: (772) 382-3258
Twitter: LifeTrekBob
Web: www.LifeTrekCoaching.com
Mobile: www.LifeTrekMobile.com
Coach Training: www.EvocativeCoaching.com
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