Provision #543: The Honesty Factor
by Bob Tschannen-Moran
LifeTrek Laser Provision
I had a health scare a couple weeks ago, and this Provision tells the story.
I debated about keeping it to myself, protecting my ego and image. In the end,
however, the discipline of writing Provisions won out. I decided that honesty
was not only the best policy, it was the only policy if I wanted to maintain
integrity with those of you who read Provisions from week to week. That's the
way honesty works: it creates a bond of trust and commitment that leads to
benevolence. You'll see what I mean after you read the story.
LifeTrek Provision
Many people marvel at how I come up with these Provisions every week. Frankly,
I'm not sure myself. It's not like I have them all planned out ahead of time;
it's also not like I have a set time, say an hour every morning, where I gather
my ideas and begin to write out my thoughts. I certainly don't keep a clipping
file or even a folder of ideas that I can dip into when the well runs dries. All
I know is that at some point toward the end of the week, I finally bring myself
to sit down at the keyboard and type. That's when things begin to flow.
Flow is, in fact, a good description of what usually happens when I write
Provisions. Flow, as defined by the famed psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi,
is the experience of being both fully immersed in and unusually successful with
an activity. To reach that state of full engagement, the activity needs to be
intrinsically interesting and just within reach of one's abilities. If the
activity is too challenging, then it's overwhelming and stressful. If the
activity is not challenging enough, then it's boring and tedious. When you hit
the sweet spot, where the level of challenge perfectly matches your skills,
training, and strengths, then you're in what athletes call "the zone."
That's when things begin to flow. I have experienced flow many times in many
domains. I will never forget, for example, my experience of running the
Las Vegas
Marathon in February, 2000. Even though I ran the race of my life, finishing
in 3:18, I felt like I was hardly working at all. Everything came together for
the moment. The challenge of the race was perfectly matched with my skills,
training, and strengths. I was at once focused and free.
I have had many other such moments while running, and they don't always involve
running fast. I remember running, for example, many years ago on the Tow Path
Trail, all by myself, in northeast Ohio. I was running in the same direction as
the river, and for a period of time I became the river. Once again, the running
was effortless and I have no idea what the pace was. All I know was that I was
being carried along by the current and my running became a very Zen-like state.
Once again, I was in flow.
Well, that's how writing Provisions usually is for me. I sit down at the
keyboard and I write what comes to mind. I usually start out with some piece of
my own life experience, and things flow from there. It never ceases to amaze me
how this very public private journal connects with so many people. What I think
of as the most personal of experiences ends up being the most universal of
experiences. Through honest sharing we end up with a bond that enriches both my
life and yours.
So it's time to share the latest and most surprising chapter in my life. Two
weeks ago I was in Dallas, Texas to present, with my wife, on the power of
strengths-based approaches to revitalize schools. Instead of looking at problems
and deficits, this approach looks at possibilities and assets. The effect can be
transformational, and you can read more about it on our school-related website
CelebrateSchools.com.
Our presentation was well received, with lots of engagement from the
participants. They not only heard about strengths-based approaches to revitalize
schools, they experienced them through the magic of hands-on learning. I am
hopeful that many of the participants will take those practices back to their
schools, organizations, or Districts in order to stimulate a different quality
of connection, contribution, and conversation.
Two days before the Conference, however, we were visiting friends in Waco, Texas
when -- while singing songs at their church gathering on Sunday morning -- I
started to feel weak and short of breath. I sat down, only to have things get
worse. It wasn't long before I was in a hospital Emergency Room, breathing
oxygen, hooked up to an EKG machine, and ruling out a possible heart attack.
Fortunately, everything checked out fine. Their diagnosis: a panic attack
caused, perhaps, by acid-reflux. Now I have never had anything even resembling a
panic attack in my 53-years of existence on planet earth. In fact, I have always
thought of myself as rather indestructible. But pride, as they say, goeth before
the fall.
So now I am taking medication for both anxiety and acid reflux; the former, my
doctor tells me, will last 2-4 months in order to prevent another panic attack
from coming on. The latter will last indefinitely (with more than 1 billion
people on the planet taking these "proton pump inhibitors," I'm in good
company).
Given that many people read LifeTrek Provisions in order to get tips and learn
techniques for
Optimal Wellness, I
feel a bit odd sharing my experience with panic attacks and acid-reflux. It's
always been wonderful to answer the question, "What medications are you on?"
with a single word: "None!" For the foreseeable future, that word has to change.
I even debated about not sharing this part of my journey at all. Why bother?
It's personal, it's private, and who really cares. Well, for one, I care. And,
for another, you care if you can learn anything from my experience that may be
helpful to you in pursuit of your own
Optimal Wellness.
None of us, after all, are truly indestructible. And it helps to be honest if we
hope to hold each other up in the spiritual sense of the word.
That's especially true as we come down the home stretch in our series on
benevolence. Remember: we have been focused for more than a year on the three
ingredients that make for
Optimal Wellness:
eating right, exercising well, and managing stress. The latter involves such
things as sleep and recreation, but it also involves the kind of caring that
goes on under the rubric of benevolence. The more good we do for ourselves and
others, the more wonderful life can be. And that, my friends, is what
Optimal Wellness is
all about.
We've already talked about how empathy and reciprocity figure into the equation.
I experienced empathy first hand through my panic attack in Waco. First with my
family and friends, who got me to the hospital, then with the hospital staff
themselves. After all the more serious physical causes, like a heart problem,
were ruled out, I half expected them to dismiss my symptoms and to send me on my
way, as though it was all in my head.
They did nothing of the sort. Instead, they asked about and reflected my
feelings and needs. They recognized that regardless of their origin, my symptoms
were real and worthy of respect. I appreciated their empathy. It immediately
made me feel better.
I also appreciated the caring, concern, and assistance of my family and friends.
You can bet I would do the same for them, or anyone else who was close by, in a
heartbeat. That's reciprocity.
But honesty is also part of the equation when it comes to
Optimal Wellness. To
pretend is only to make matters worse, whether it comes to our health and
wellness or to any other aspect of life and work. We are charged to be honest
with each other in the spirit of true love.
I like the notion of "true love" so much better than "tough love." Tough love is
usually an excuse for blasting someone with your opinion about the things they
are doing wrong or the things they need to change. Unfortunately, such love is
sometimes equated with coaching, as though the role of the coach is to beat up
on people until they get going or get their act together.
Multiple studies reveal that that approach is never lastingly effective. It may
work for a while (usually about two weeks), but then its impact begins to fade
as the lack of true love takes its toll.
True love works because it is not afraid to share what is there, but always in
the spirit of up-building and uplifting. In fact, it is more about vulnerability
than toughness. There is a certain transparency in true love that is lacking in
tough love. By sharing what is there, with the artful use of listening, inquiry,
and reflections, we generate more hope and movement than is possible in any
other way.
So my hope in sharing honestly with you the story of my surprising trip to the
ER is to give you permission to be honest about your own feelings and needs and
to seek the assistance that is right for you. Sooner or later, we all need
assistance. Some of us need assistance all the time. Others need assistance only
on occasion. Still others prefer alternative practices than traditional medicine
(I, for one, take a complimentary approach).
Whatever may be your situation, recognize that assistance is part of the human
condition. No one makes it through life alone. No animal has a longer infancy,
and no animal has more complicated social relations, than the human animal. We
are unique in the extent to which we need each other.
That's why I see benevolence as so important to
Optimal Wellness.
Apart from benevolence, there's no way to create and to sustain a wonderful
life. Whether we do that for our family and friends, or whether we do that for
total strangers, it takes a village to make life wonderful.
So move to the village called benevolence! Connect with people who desire to do
good and to make life more wonderful. Keep your eyes open and attentive for
opportunities to express true love. Don't be afraid to ask for or to lend a
helping hand. The more honest we are with each other, the better life will be.
Coaching Inquiries: Be honest -- how are you feeling right now? Who could
lift your spirits or otherwise render assistance? What would it take for you to
find the courage to ask? How could benevolence become a more frequent companion
on the trek of life?
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LifeTrek Readers' Forum (selected feedback
from the past week)
Editor's Note: The LifeTrek Readers' Forum contains selections from the comments
and materials sent in each week by the readers of LifeTrek Provisions. They do
not necessarily reflect the perspective of LifeTrek Coaching International. To
submit your comment, use our Feedback Form or
Email Bob..
Thanks again for this wonderful Provision,
How To Be
Happy. I have read it now all three times, each time with different
circumstances in my life therefore with a different perspective. As you said at
the beginning, it is an ongoing pursuit.
I would like to ask your permission to include your superb
How To Be
Happy insights in my coaching newsletter with full attribution to you of
course. It is a wonderful range of insights to share. (Ed. Note: Permission
granted! Just be sure to reference
LifeTrekCoaching.com. Thanks.)
Good article; reminds me of the fruits of the spirit in Gal 5:22
Your last Provision on
How To Be
Happy was a wonderful article that has touched and put my mind in the right
direction to be able to bulldoze through life. Thanks for this wonderful piece.
Regarding the hint you gave, as to your age on your last birthday. I say you're
35, and here's how it works. Your daughter is a gifted prodigy she graduated
HS at 10, completed 4 years of college in 2.5 and medical school in 2! Most
people on your LifeTrek list did not know that about your daughter! Happy
belated. I dont even try to remember birthdays anymore. The belated cards are
funnier! Have a great week!
Keep up the great works in Provisions. Thanks for your support and influence in
the coaching world.
I very much enjoy reading Provisions. This poem you sent by
Oriah Mountain
Dreamer had many inspirational segments. I actually used it to bolster the
courage of myself and a friend in an adventure we stepped into this week.
However there was a verse I can't follow. The words were, "I want to know if you
can be faithless and therefore trustworthy." What do you suppose that means?
(Ed. Note: I suppose it means that sometimes we have to be faithless to others
in order to be true to ourselves. What do you think?) Top
May you be filled with goodness, peace, and joy.
Bob Tschannen-Moran, President
LifeTrek Coaching International
121 Will Scarlet Lane
Williamsburg, VA 23185-5043
Email: Coach@LifeTrekCoaching.com
Phone: (757) 345-3452
Fax: (772) 382-3258
Twitter: LifeTrekBob
Web: www.LifeTrekCoaching.com
Mobile: www.LifeTrekMobile.com
Coach Training: www.EvocativeCoaching.com
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