                    |
 Teaching children to know what their feelings are and to trust them builds
independence and empowers your little one. But we often fail to do that well.
Consider the following scenario:
Child: "I don't feel pretty when I'm wearing pants. I want to wear a sun dress."
Mother: "You'll feel nice and warm wearing pants today."
Child: "But I want to feel beautiful."
Mother: "It's cold out. You're wearing pants!"
Child: "No. I don't want to feel ugly!"
Here the Mother is not only teaching her child not to trust her own perceptions,
but the conversation is turning into an argument because the child's feelings
were not acknowledged. Adel Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of the National
Bestseller "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"
Click, write about four skills you can use to help your children
deal with their feelings.
These skills include:
- Listening Quietly and Attentively. This includes direct eye contact at your
children's level! Look your children in the eyes by getting down to their level
or by bringing them up to your level. My husband and I rarely sit on our great
room furniture alone, if at all. We are often down on the floor with our
children reading books or having a conversation. Also, you'll often find my
children, ages three (almost) and five, sitting on top of our kitchen and
bathroom counter tops. I make sure I'm ALWAYS standing directly in front of them
so they don't fall and get hurt. And this way they get involved with what's
happening and can see me at eye level.
- Acknowledge Your Child's Feelings with A Word. Responding to your children's
expression of feelings with three simple words, "I see, Oh, and Mmm.", can open
the door for children to further explore and share their feelings. Saying these
words with a loving tone and attitude can lead your children to find their own
solutions.
- Give Your Children's Feelings A Name. This act acknowledges your children's
inner experience and can be very comforting to them. They feel heard and seen.
To use this skill in the above scenario, the Mother could say to the child's
first or even second response, "Feeling beautiful is very important to you isn't
it?" Or for an older child, "You seem very passionate about feeling beautiful
each day."
- Give Your Children Their Wishes in Fantasy. This tool allows your children to
see that you understand just how much they want something and often makes it
easier to accept the realities of life. A Mother using this tool in the above
scenario might sound like this, "I wish I had a magic wand to help you feel
beautiful no matter what you're wearing." Or, "Even though I think you're
beautiful no matter what you're wearing, I wish I had magic powers to melt all
of the snow outside so you could wear your sundress."
In the coming week, I invite you to try these four skills with your children.
Remember that breaking old habits can sometimes be a challenge, so be patient
and forgiving with yourself when trying out these skills. Over the next several
weeks I'll share some of the other powerful skills discussed in Adel and
Elaine's book.
Coaching Inquiries: How can you deepen your relationship with your child or
parent? What is your way of being when you are at your best with your children?
 If you would like to work with a coach who specializes in Parenting Pathways,
use the Contact Form or
Email Christina to arrange for a
complimentary coaching session.
May you be filled with goodness, peace, and joy.
Christina Lombardo Ray, PCC, CPCC (Christina@LifeTrekCoaching.com)
LifeTrek Coaching International
Columbus, OH
U.S.A.
Telephone: 614-332-9747
Fax: 415-634-2301
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